Information for Parents During our interactions with children and their parents, we at McCam have realized that there are many questions and concerns that parents experience while raising their children. The following articles deal with common issues and concerns facing parents today. These articles are relevant to children with or without disabilities. Please ensure that you consult a physician before altering your current parenting strategy. Addressing Problem Behavior Effectively Being at Ease with Handicapped Children Dealing with Dishonest Behavior Depression in Children and Adolescents Discipline During The Terrible Two's Helping Your Child at Home with Vocabulary Building Helping Your Child's Physical Development Preventing or Reducing a Child's Aggressive Behavior Research Shows Childhood Intervention Makes a Difference Special Needs Special Needs Children Need Parents With Special Skills The Golden Rules of Toddler Discipline The Shy Child Toilet Training Trustworthiness: How to Handle Lying When Toddlers Bite Why Books Are Important Child Advocacy -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Addressing Problem Behavior Effectively "There is nothing more influential in a child's life than the moral power of a quiet example." - William Bennett When it comes to teaching children self-discipline, the example parents provide is a powerful tool. These tips will give you some good ideas to help you create or improve your parenting style. Positive Discipline Address the problem. Young children are usually more interested in what you are going to do about their behavior than what you are going to say about it. Avoid making idle threats or giving too many warnings. Parents who constantly threaten children are actually helping them learn to limit-test. For instance, if you hear yourself always saying, "Don't let me tell you that again!" or "If I have to come up there you'll be sorry!" These threats actually let your children know that they have a couple of more times to keep doing the problem behavior before you really will address it. This doesn't mean you should pick on every single thing your child does wrong. You know your child's frequent or severe problem behavior. Correct these problems as soon as they start. If you address them immediately, you may be able to use minor correction, cueing or a small consequence rather than engaging in the knockdown, drag-out fights that often escalate after several warnings and ignored misbehavior. Remember to pick your battles. Do you feel warn-out because you are always correcting your child? Not everything your child does needs to be a point of conflict. Learn to categorize your child's behavior. There are some behaviors we just won't tolerate from our children, while others just irritate us. Use redirection, positive encouragement or ignore those irritating but insignificant problem behaviors. With more significant problem behavior, correct your child every time the behavior occurs. Give a consequence that fits the misbehavior; teach your child what to do differently, and have him or her demonstrate the desired behavior several times. Model self-control by staying calm. Children are not interested in everything we say as parents but they closely observe what we do. A good way to teach your child to stay calm when she is really upset is to do it yourself. Limit talking to your child when he is too emotional to listen. Once your child is calm, use a matter-of-fact tone and make your instructions short and to the point. Often parents think if they can't force their children to get under control they are letting them win. When it comes to an emotional child, it is not who wins or who loses but if there is a calm adult around when things are getting out-of-control. Remember to follow through. Don't fall into the trap of whimping out on giving a negative consequence when a child has earned one. Some parents think just talking to their children will stop the problem. If it does, great: Use it. For most children, however, talk is cheap and often rewarding. Don't be afraid to give your child a reasonable consequence. They will still love you. Kids want and need to know where their boundaries are. Otherwise, they will just keep making the same mistakes. How do you stop whimping-out when it comes to giving a consequence? First, avoid statements like these, "If you do that again, you will get a consequence," or "Do you want me to punish you?" Remove the "if" and the questions from your correction. Replace them with statements like, "Because you hit her, you earned time-out" or "Now, your punishment is no snack." Reasonable consequences are effective teaching tools that help children learn right from wrong. Don't get sidetracked by the small stuff. Parents often get frustrated when they are trying to correct their child who is doing a lot of grumbling, mumbling and whining. Focus on correcting the original problem behavior and deal with the small irritations later. Use a broken record technique if your child purposely tries to get you off track with argumentative statements. Say to your child, "We are not talking about that now…" or "The sooner you do what I've asked, the sooner you'll get back to what you want to do." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Being at Ease with Children with Disabilities What To Focus On? For years people with disabilities have been segregated from the rest of society as if they were truly different from non disabled people. Because of such federal legislation as Public Law 94-142 (the Education for All Handicapped Children Act of l975) and Section 504 of the Vocational Rehabilitation Act Amendments of l973, individuals who have handicaps are being integrated into the mainstream of education, employment, and community activities. It is sad that attitudes cannot also be legislated, but fears and anxieties toward those who are different cannot be decreed illegal. It is hoped that the present generation, growing up in situations where people with handicaps are a natural part of school and community life, will put to rest forever the notion that people with handicaps are "different." What Special Treatment Should Be Given? Children with disabilities need to be treated, as much as possible, like any other child. It is unfair to the child when he or she is not allowed to compete. The world at large is mainly inhabited by people with the ability to see, to hear, to speak, and to move about freely. Children with disabilities need to practice meeting the standards of the "normal" world while they are growing up so they can gain confidence and independence. How Can One Help Feeling Sorry For Children With Disabilities? If you perceive the disabled child as someone to be pitied, someone from whom little should be expected or demanded, probably little will come. If, on the other hand, you expect the child to succeed and grow, to learn to act independently, then chances are good that the child will become a successful, growing, independent student. How Should Frustrations Or Temper Tantrums Be Handled? Such problems should be handled the same way they would be handled if the child did not have a handicap. It is easy to assume that disabled people exist in a continuous state of frustration. This is not true. Of course disabled children may feel frustrated at times. These frustrations should be handled with good sense, remembering that a certain amount of frustration is healthy and promotes growth but that too much frustration can be defeating. How Should You Respond To Everyday Accomplishments? It is a joy to see a child with a handicap able to do the same things that other children do, such as read, play on the jungle gym, or go through the lunch line. It is important, however, to distinguish between accomplishments that are attained with about the same degree of effort that is required from most children and those accomplishments that really represent a challenge to the disabled child. If people react to ordinary accomplishments that were not particularly difficult to attain as if they were extraordinary, children can develop unrealistic views of themselves--either an inflated view of their capabilities and accomplishments, based on the continual amazement elicited from others, or a deflated view, based on the obviously limited expectations others hold for children with disabilities. On the other hand, encouragement and reinforcement should be expressed when youngsters accomplish tasks made difficult by their specific disabilities, for example, dressing for a child with cerebral palsy. How Much Help Should Be Given? One of the benefits of mainstreaming is that children can help their disabled classmates. But too much help can become a hindrance if it robs the child of opportunities to learn and practice independence. Generally if a child cannot handle some procedure or material, she or he should be taught how to do it if at all possible. So Children With Communication Problems Also Have Problems In Thinking? One disability that people have trouble coping with involves speech and language. Whether the communication impairment results from a physical disability such as cerebral palsy or a speech handicap such as stuttering, the listener tends to anticipate what the disabled person is trying to say and not allow the person the time she or he needs to communicate. It is easy to mistakenly perceive people who have severe communication disabilities as also having impaired intelligence because of their simple, poorly articulated speech. A natural tendency is to respond to this kind of language pattern with a simplification of your own speech. This should be avoided. Individuals who have problems expressing themselves, unless they are also hearing impaired, generally have no problem understanding normal, complex language. Is There Anything Special That Needs To Be Done? There are special considerations that can be helpful to children with special disabilities. For example, keep in mind that children who have visual impairments depend upon what they hear and touch to bring them information about their surroundings. Provide opportunities for visually impaired children to handle things that children with normal vision can simply look at. It is also helpful to describe new people, things, and events as they come into the child's environment. Allow time for the child to ask what is going on. Children who have hearing impairments or who are deaf must depend on sight for most of their knowledge. Make sure the hearing impaired child can see the face of whoever is speaking; many cues are picked up through lipreading and facial expression. Arrange for seating near the teacher or leader. Do not assume that a youngster understands you just because you have his or her attention. Ask whether you have been understood. Children who have a mental retardation problem can get along better when directions are short and clearly stated. Break down tasks into a series of steps that can be completed in sequence. Maintain a routine, teach new procedures, and give time for practice. Youngsters with orthopedic impairments should be asked whether they need help and, if so, what kind. Do not assume the child needs more help than he asks for. EDITOR'S NOTE: Much of this information is based on "Questions Teachers Ask." In SUPPORTING VISUALLY IMPAIRED STUDENTS IN THE MAINSTREAM, by Glenda J. Martin and Mollie Hoben. Reston, VA: Council for Exceptional Children, 1977. ED 145 609. back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dealing with Dishonest Behavior Are you dealing with stealing or other dishonest behavior with your child? Dishonesty can be a very irritating behavior for parents to correct. It's important to keep in mind that behavior that is learned can also be unlearned. Often, the biggest problem for parents is being able to manage their own feelings. How do you deal with the unsettling idea that your loveable, innocent preschooler could be lying, stealing or falsely accusing others? Instead of getting upset, try seeing your child's dishonest behavior as an opportunity to teach him or her right from wrong. Avoid lecturing, yelling, using guilt or nagging your young child about his dishonest act: It is a waste of time. Focus your time and attention on teaching and practicing with your child what you want him or her to do instead-to be more honest. Some parents find this skill much easier said than done. It will take patience and lots of practice. Sometimes we forget that children do not automatically know what it takes to be honest. This behavior, like others, is learned. Let's start this first article on honesty by asking questions to determine if your expectation is reasonable for your child's ability. There are four key questions you should ask yourself to decide if you've set a reasonable expectation: 1) Have I clearly taught my child ahead of time what I want him or her to do? 2) Have I modeled what I want my child to do? 3) Is my child developmentally capable of doing what I'm asking? 4) Has my child been able to do this behavior in the past? Let's apply these questions to the issue of honesty to see if your expectations are reasonable. Have I clearly taught my child what I want her to do to be honest? Remember that teaching involves showing and not just telling your child what you want. Use reasonable consequences that are meaningful to your child so she will understand that her behavior brings both positive and negative results. Have I modeled how to be honest so that my child knows what to do? Do you practice in your everyday life what you preach, or do you find yourself constantly applying the old adage of "Do as I say, not as I do." The three most important words of parenting are model, model, model! Is my child developmentally capable of understanding what honesty is? Some toddlers are great mimics and will often repeat any behavior or frequently used word without truly understanding what they are doing or saying. If your child is mimicking negative things, it is up to you to change the environment that is exposing your child to inappropriate behavior. On the other hand, you should expect, as your child develops and grows cognitively, socially and emotionally, that certain temperaments and age periods might cause your child more difficulty with being honest. Children will need training in these developmental areas to mature. Has my child been able to show honest behavior in the past? Practicing honesty skills with your child each day is an excellent way to see what strengths and weaknesses your child may have with this particular skill. Be sure that your practices are brief, focused on the behavior you want to teach, and connected to a motivator that will encourage him or her to practice. For instance, if your 5-year-old comes to ask permission to do something that motivates him, before you give your answer, engage in a practice. Say something like, "Wow! Thanks for asking first. Before I give my answer, remember we always play "To tell the truth." (Then ask your child two or three questions you know the answer to, and remind him to tell you the facts.) "Thomas, what color is my shirt? How old are you? Where do you take a nap?" If your child tells you the truth, praise him and quickly reward him by answering his question. Replacing behavior is another excellent way to increase your child's ability to be honest. For instance, if your little Maria has sticky fingers when it comes to other people's belongings, she may be taking things for the sheer thrill and the attention she gets from it. Try replacing her behavior with another, more appropriate action. At certain times each day, hide a few things where you know she can find them. Give her an instruction to find only the things you have hidden and put them back where they belong. Reward her honest act by giving her your attention or a small reward; time with you, along with the thrill of finding the hidden object may be all the encouragement she needs to be more honest. back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Depression in Children and Adolescents When Hugs Are Not Enough A once bubbling, engaging child becomes sullen and with-drawn, or irritable and a bully on the playground. School tardiness or absence becomes frequent, and grades drop. A parent cannot seem to “get through” to a child to discuss what’s wrong, and tension in the family rises. Does my child have a mental disorder? The question is difficult, even frightening, for a parent to voice. Understandably, it is easier to overlook or explain away subtle signs of illness that may occur periodically at worst and are set against the rapid changes of childhood or the turmoil of adolescence. “It’s just a phase.” “He’ll grow out of it.” “She’s under a lot of stress.” “We need to assure him that we love him.” “No one in our family has a mental illness.” Yet the concern that sparks a parent’s question may be justified. One in five American children and adolescents has a mental or behavioral disorder that interferes with their ability to learn in school or to establish healthy relationships with family members and friends. For one in 10 youngsters, a mental disorder will lead to moderate to severe impairment in one or more facets of their life. Depression in Childhood Depression is a common and serious form of childhood mental disorder. Until as recently as the 1980s, doctors and others rarely considered that children could become depressed. But research has shown that they do, suffering many of the same symptoms that are seen in adults with a major depression, but also some that are unique to their age. When recognized early and diagnosed accurately, depression is highly responsive to treatment; still, each episode of this recurrent illness tends to increase the likelihood that episodes of illness will recur; and, thus, depression must be treated and managed with an eye toward the long term. As many as 5 percent, or one in 20, of children and adolescents experience a potentially disabling depression before age 19. This frequency of occurrence, or prevalence, of depression at young ages – and the fact that fewer than half of those who have the illness receive appropriate treatment – helps explain why depression is now the leading cause of disability among adults in the U.S. Several forms of depression affect children and adults alike. Major depression is characterized by specific signs and symptoms; suffering at least five of these symptoms for two weeks or more is a highly reliable marker of depression. In dysthymia, symptoms generally are less severe, but the illness is marked by a more chronic and persistent course; rather than shifting episodically into well-defined periods of depression, the child with dysthymia lives in world tinted a joyless gray. Less frequently seen in children (or adults, in whom the annual prevalence is about 1 percent) is bipolar depression, a phase of manic depressive, or bipolar, disorder, in which periods of depression alternate with periods of unnaturally high levels of energy and grandiosity. What Causes Childhood Depression? No single cause of depression has been identified. However, we know that depression is an illness with a pronounced biological basis. The genes that we inherit, and which continue to be influenced by experience throughout life, may predispose a person to the illness, but this predisposition, or vulnerability, to depression typically is “triggered” by life events. Researchers have begun to identify these triggers, called risk factors, for depression. A child’s risk for becoming depressed may increase with stress or with an experience of devastating loss or trauma. Behavioral problems and mental disorders – for example, conduct, attention-deficit, learning, anxiety, and substance abuse disorders — frequently co-occur with depression and may help explain its onset. A family history of depression or bipolar disorder is a significant risk factor for depression in a child or young adult. Depression may – and frequently does – occur when no member of a family has knowingly experienced a serious mental disorder. The underlying biological mechanisms and triggering events for illness in these instances have yet to be clearly understood. What can be said with surety is that in children no less than in adults, clinical depression is not a character weakness, normal sadness, or a passing phase. It is a real medical illness that can be accurately diagnosed and effectively treated. Indeed, a child’s response to appropriate treatments is a valuable way of validating the presence of the disorder. What is the Risk of Suicide? Suicide frequently is a direct and lethal outcome of depression. When a teenager thinks or talks about suicide, the risk is real. Children should understand that if a sibling or friend discusses suicide, it should be called to the attention of an adult. A suicidal gesture should not be viewed as attention getting, but as an anguished cry for help. What Can We Expect From Treatment? Treatments for depression are well-defined and effective for the vast majority of those with the illness. Teachers, or a pediatrician or other health care provider, often are the first to put a name to the changes in a child’s behavior that are seen with depression. Your child’s doctor can rule out the presence of general medical illnesses that might present with some depressive symptoms and, in some instances, may be willing and capable of treating depression. Often, however, seeking specialty care is advisable. A mental health professional can verify a suspected diagnosis and help a parent and child understand the array and benefits of different treatment options. Ideally, a treatment program will combine psychotherapy and medications. The former relies on age-appropriate communication as a tool for bringing about changes in a patient’s feelings or behavior. While different types of therapies tend to be offered in various communities, research has shown that “here and now” approaches that concentrate on solving problems (rather than on gaining insight into psychological processes) are preferable. Two specific forms of therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and interpersonal therapy, have now have been validated by research to be effective in treating depression in youth. Parents should be encouraged to ask a therapist specific questions up front: for example, how frequently and over what period of time will therapy take place; whether sessions will involve the depressed child alone, or others in the family also; and how the therapist will assure confidentiality to a child or teenager without locking parents out of the process. Antidepressant medications target chemical imbalances in the brain that are associated with depression. Several antidepressants introduced in recent years have little potential risk for dangerous overdosing or adverse effects, and are quite effective in adults. Recent studies indicate that these medications can be useful in treating youth depression as well. Additional studies are ongoing in order to further define the efficacy of these medications in children and adolescents. Parents should ask the physician for details about the purpose of a medication; how long it will take to exert therapeutic action; the frequency with which the physician will evaluate the effects of the treatment and need for dosage changes; and any precautions (for example regarding diet, exercise, side effects) to keep in mind. The child or teen patient should also have age-appropriate information about the medications. Finding a Mental Health Care Clinician A child’s pediatrician or other primary health care provider as well as school teachers and counselors are key sources for potentially recognizing mental disorders in children and adolescents. With input and support from a child psychiatrist or child psychologist, primary care providers may treat depression, particularly given the availability of increasingly safe anti-depressant medications. But for primary care physicians, especially, time needed to talk to a child and adolescent and his or her family often is limited. Likewise, a specialist’s (e.g., a child psychiatrist) input and guidance on medication issues may be needed. How Can We Recognize Depression? Extensive research has identified the signs and symptoms of major depression. In children, doctors are learning, these classic symptoms often may be obscured by other behavioral and physical complaints – features such as those bracketed. At least five symptoms must be present to the extent that they interfere with daily functioning over a minimal period of two weeks. Signs and Symptoms of Depression (As seen often in children and adolescents): Frequent sadness, tearfulness, crying Increased irritability, anger, or hostility Hopelessness Preoccupation with nihilistic song lyrics Decreased interest or enjoyment in once-favorite activities Low energy Persistent boredom Frequent complaints of physical illness; for example, headache, stomachache Poor communication with family and friends, social isolation Low self-esteem, feelings of guilt Oppositional; negative Extreme sensitivity to rejection or failure Inability to concentrate (poor performance in school; frequent absences) Changes in sleep habits (Excessive late-night TV; refusal to wake in the morning) Changes in eating habits (Failure to gain weight as normally expected; bulimia or anorexia) Talk of running away from home or efforts to do so Thoughts or expressions of suicide or self-destructive behavior If referral to a mental health specialist is sought, psychiatrists, psychiatric nurses, psychologists, and psychiatric social workers all are qualified to provide mental health care to the extent that they are licensed, or certified. Only psychiatrists, who are physicians, can prescribe medications, however. Ideally, the mental health specialist should be trained to work with children and adolescents. back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Discipline During The Terrible Two's by Alvin Eden, MD The "Terrible Two's" in fact usually start earlier far than that. Most doctors and experienced parents will tell you that around eighteen months of age, stubbornness, selfishness and temper tantrums become the normal order of the day. How can you teach your child right from wrong? How can you discipline him? How can you turn this infamous age period into a more enjoyable time for both of you. First of all, remember that the word "discipline" comes from the word "disciple" meaning someone who follows the teaching of others. Discipline does not automatically mean punishment. Punishment may sometimes be part of the discipline process, but it's only a small part. Remember that when a toddler misbehaves, it's not because he is basically nasty or just trying to make your life miserable. He does so to show his independence and sometimes to learn a new skill, like throwing dishes onto the floor. And sometimes to show his feelings of being frustrated. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't do anything about it, but at least you should try to understand why he is acting up. That should go a long way towards helping you keep your own reactions on an even keel. Terrible Two's : Helpful Hints 1. Distraction. Try to redirect your child to another activity, like playing some music or turning on the T.V. 2. Separation. Remove him from the place where he is causing trouble. If he is in the park and bites    his friend, take him home. It doesn't work to scream and yell, just do it quietly. 3. Explanation. Explain why you are acting a certain way. Setting rules and regulations and not     explaining them is unfair. 4. Compromise. Yes, sometimes give in. Allow him to make some decisions. By letting him win some     small arguments, you'll have a better chance to win the big ones. 5. Punishment. Yes, there is a place for punishment, such as taking away privileges. Spanking should     be reserved for special occasions like running out into traffic. I don't believe a child should ever be     physically abused. A smack across the backside is more than enough for him to get the message. If you keep these five rules at the ready you can reasonably expect to escape toddlerhood in one piece. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Helping Your Child at Home with Vocabulary Building Parents are the first "language models" for children. The language children use is modeled, or based, on what they hear from their parents. Parents need to create an environment that enriches what a child hears. The words he hears, he will use with encouragement. To start, take a look for a moment at the words you use-and how you use them, Children who repeatedly hear, "I seen it" will imitate that language. And the probability is great that if they speak that way, they will write that way. Encourage family discussions. Turn off the TV and talk. One of the best places is the dinner table. That's one of the few times an entire family is together. In a sense, it's a "captive" audience. Set up some ground rules, such as "No eat and run," and "Everyone will have something to talk about" during and after supper. It's a kind of "hear and tell" time. What to talk about? Things going on in the neighborhood, what happened at school, events that are coming up, family plans, family decisions, et cetera. But remember the conversation should be pleasant and relaxing. This is NOT the time to bring up sins of omission or commission. If your child has started formal spelling at school, post the list on the refrigerator door. Use those words with your child as discussions arise. Encourage him to use them in his responses. If you have a cassette recorder, make a tape of words. Say the word, define it, and then use it in a sentence. (Select words that he will find interesting.) Better yet, have the child do the taping. Encourage regular use of the tape. (If he's studying for a spelling test, he can also spell it on the tape.) "Word of the Week" is a family game-like activity. Each person selects a word taking turns each week. For example, the first week it might be Mother who writes a word on a card and puts it on the refrigerator door. Everyone must use that word as much as possible that week. The next week it's Dad's turn, and then the children's turn, and so on until it is Mother's turn again. As the words are used, they are posted on a cabinet door to stimulate continued Usage. "Ten Questions" is a game that promotes several teaming skills, chief of which is reasoning with words. One family member thinks of something, which the other players must guess with no more than ten questions. The first question always is "Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?" This covers virtually every possible thing the child could think of. Then, question by question, the field is narrowed to likely possibilities. After the first questions, the following questions must be asked so that they can be answered by "yes" or "no." For some youngsters, "Ten Questions" might be too demanding, so make it "Twenty Questions. " One of the values of the extension is that additional reasoning and logic can be expressed. Stretch the game as much as possible. You can show, for example, the process of moving from broad-based questions to more discrete ones. In this way, your child will team to ask questions such as, "Is it located in the Northern Hemisphere?" "Is it in the Western Hemisphere?" "Is it in the United States?" "Is it land based?" and so on. This becomes an exercise not only in vocabulary development but also in geography. Encourage the use of a "log" or "diary. " And Pen Pal Clubs are easy to find and join. Enter a subscription to a child's magazine. There are many of these, and they cover practically every interest area of children: cars, sports, computers, the out-of-doors, et cetera. (Information from the articles makes an ideal subject for family discussions.) If distant family members have cassette players, send "letters" on tape. Each family member has his or her "say," and then the tape is mailed to the distant relative to listen to on his tape recorder. That person then adds some comments and either returns it or passes it on to another family member. Play games with homonyms - words that sound alike but are spelled differently and mean something different, as in "sun" and "son." For example, on the versatile refrigerator door, post train rain- or "reign-rain" or" pray-prey" or "flower -flour." Ask family members to add to the list. You'll be surprised at how many homonyms they will uncover Another way of encouraging vocabulary development is the penny game," which can be played even if your child is having difficulty with reading. You might use a comic book, the comic strips or sports pages in your local newspaper, or a magazine article- To play the game, the child must know that some words start with a consonant followed by a vowel-for example, "say, look, go, pay," et etc. that other words begin with two consonants (called a blend) such as "grow, plate, tray, brush," etc. (Note: Some words do start with two or three consonants but are not true blends because one letter is silent, as in "white". gnat, pneumonia," etc.) Tell the child you'll give him a penny for every word he underlines that starts with a blend. A follow-up to the "penny game" is to list words in "teams," such as fog/frog, bake/brake, pay/play, say/stay," et cetera. A guessing game can be fun. "I'm thinking of a word that starts with "br" that is something you use to paint a house." (Brush) "I'm thinking of a word that starts with "tr" that is something we do to the bushes when they get too large." (Trim) A traditional game that most children enjoy is "My father owns " Example: "My father owns a grocery store, and in it he sells something that begins with the letter B. " If the child does not know the alphabet, letter sounds can be used. Revolving blend- is another family game in which someone gives a common blend-for example, "tr"--and, in sequence around the table or room, everyone must think of a word that begins with that blend-"train, truck, truffle, try, tray, trumpet, truce." et cetera. When the list is exhausted, the last person begins another blend, such as "st"--"stay, start, stick, stuck, star," etc. Word origins or facts about words can be fascinating family fare. For example, the word "salary" had its origin in "salarium," which is Latin for salt. Roman soldiers received their pay in salt. Ask your librarian to help you find books that will provide other interesting examples of the origin of common words. Suffixes are clues to word meanings. For example, "er" or "or" at the end of a word suggests "one who." Example: conductor-one who conducts; trainer-one who trains, etc. Each week a new suffix can be selected to create words. The "Take a Walk" game is an activity that brings family members together in an enjoyable, relaxing way. It takes at least two people. A walk is taken around the neighborhood or perhaps around a local shopping area. On one trip the thrust may be, "Let's name everything we see that begins with the letter B." On another walk, it might be naming everything that begins with the letter G. Or everything that is the color purple. You might add an element of fun by saying, "We'll get one point for every word we name. Let's see how many points we can get." (Involves arithmetic as well as vocabulary.) A rhyming game is always fun, particularly for young children because they can say any "word," nonsense or sense. Start with things the child knows, such as parts of his body, and say, "I'm thinking of something on your face that rhymes with (sounds like) rose." From this point, once your child gets the idea, you can play it just by saying words, such as "what's a word that rhymes with car?" (jar, bar, star, far, et cetera) "How about a word that rhymes with junk?" (bunk, skunk, trunk-but even runk lunk zunk as nonsense words). Nor only does this quick little game build vocabulary, but it also teaches the child some fine-tuning for the sounds of words. Children listen, then use words, then read them, and, finally, write them. What they team at home about words supports success in school. A great deal of the learning that takes place at home is effective because it isn't a repeat of school. Once it becomes too formal and too "school-like," it will lose its appeal. Parents who talk to their children, and who encourage interaction win lay a healthy platform for academic success. And children will quickly realize that words need not be drudgery but can be exciting and interesting. back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Helping Your Child's Physical Development Babies and young children learn primarily through movement and their senses how to deal with gravity, to keep their balance, to move their body through space, about time and sequence of events. A child's growth is a continuous process, a gradual sequencing from one stage of physical and mental development to another-"Each child sits before he stands; he babbles before he talks" (Gesell). It's a marvelous process to watch and a marvelous opportunity for parents to foster and implement important periods of growth. At School In reality, the responsibility of the parent is twofold. Not only should proper emphasis be placed on movement and exercise in the home but whenever possible the school's approach to physical education should be monitored. A good P.E. program in elementary school ideally will offer three or four periods a week of 45-60 minutes' duration. The program need not necessarily be highly structured and should certainly not be highly competitive. Movement is the key, and that can include simple activities (running in place, jumping jacks) and games (Simon Says, Twister). The P.E. program should progress developmentally from grade to grade and should be designed to offer maximum benefit to every child, no matter how small or Late-maturing. A word of caution: Parents must be careful of physical conditions that might limit a child's movements and participation. Most schools ask, for their records, that a medical report be on file at the school, but it is the parent's responsibility to see that the report is accurate and up to date and that everyone on the faculty who needs to be aware of the report knows about it. In the Community For youngsters who are interested in competitive sports, almost every community offers after-school and summer sports such as soccer, baseball, and football. But these highly organized activities can promote stress if emphasis is placed on winning rather than just enjoying the game. An observant parent can usually quickly tell if the child is paying a high emotional price rather than just having fun. And it should be noted that in some highly organized sports, the youngsters spend more time standing around and watching than actually participating. The local YMCA and YWCA usually offer well-rounded pro- grams that include fitness exercises and swimming The fitness program may consist of carefully structured aerobics, and the swimming program is usually designed for individual mastery rather than competition. At Home Parents are enormously busy people-perhaps both parents work outside the family; perhaps there are several children in the family with differing needs and demands; perhaps it is a one-parent family. The activities that follow are offered with precisely those situations in mind. They are simple, inexpensive, enjoyable, arid can be adapted for groups (the whole family and/or friends) as well as for individual youngsters. Simple Motor Activities Keep a simple record of your child's physical development. Every year on his birthday, write down his weight and height. Find a convenient wall space, place a ruler on the child's head, draw a line, and date it. Children love to watch how much they have grown. While your child is standing in place, have him count the number of times he can go up and down on his toes. Set aside time in the family schedule for a family walk, perhaps just 15 minutes, or a Saturday afternoon leisurely hike for an hour or more depending on the youngster's age and stamina. A family walk is a great way for parents and siblings to interact and chat-something that is often difficult to fit into the busy lifestyles of the nuclear family. Walks can also provide an in-depth look at changes in Mother Nature and the community during different seasons of the year. And then there are the very simple motor activities: hopping, jumping, skipping, and climbing. All are important in a child's growth patterns. Each one calls upon various muscle groups to require extensive use. Remember hopscotch? All that is needed is a piece of chalk and a couple of pebbles. If parents will recall their own childhood, they may tap into some games that were fun and that, without knowing it; build strong bones and muscles. Try rolling-on a level plane or on a hill. Inside. Outside. How many different ways can the child roll? Arms outstretched; arms at sides; one arm stretched the other to the side, Slow rolls. Fast rolls. Head and neck exercises. Turn head side to side, down and up, while standing, sitting, lying on the back and on the stomach. Have the child walk across a fallen log or along a narrow curb. Have him repeat the walk, holding a bulky object in one hand, then the other hand, over his head. Repeat going backward and sideways. Row a boat on dry land. The child must calculate which oat to use in order to turn a specific direction. (The parent will have to figure this out first!) Water activities for pool, lake, or rub (be prepared to get splashed!). Hold a ball and ask the child to hit it with his hands (right and left), elbows, knees, feet. If swimming lessons are available, enroll your youngster. The earlier, the better. Just tossing a ball from parent to child is excellent for eye-hand coordination as well as large muscles. Don't let the activity get boring. Vary it by asking the child to kick the ball (using alternate feet) or batting it (with alternate hands). Ball size is important. Large enough for a success experience. Small enough for a challenging experience. Don't forget beanbags-quite a different experience from throwing or catching a ball. Let the child toss and catch it himself-standing, sitting, lying down, alternate hands. Can he catch it on the top of his hand? a shoulder? a knee? a foot? Differing chairs. The child sits down and gets up from chairs and stools of varying heights, descending and standing up slowly and without using his hands. The lower the chair, the more difficult the task. Kangaroo hop. Have the child hold something (for example, a beanbag-or if you want to make it difficult, an apple or an orange) between his knees, then jump with feet together. Frontwards, backwards, sideways. Save your large bleach bottles. With the bottoms cut off, they make nice scoops for catching games, using tight objects such as a whiffle ball or beanbag. Wheelbarrow. Hold the child's legs white he "walks', with his hands along a marked route. Find a place where the child can see his shadow. Then see how creative you can be in directing his activities: "Make your shadow tall, short, wide, thin, make it jump, stand on one foot, touch its feet," etc. Most of the activities that have been described can, for the most part, be done inside or out. It is important that they be done in a spirit of good fun and recreation. Once they become a chore, the child, either subtly or overtly, will decrease his effort and the sought after physical development will diminish. The secret probably ties in offering a variety of activities with an attitude of good cheer. And there may be a bonus - parents may discover that they, too, are in better shape! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Preventing or Reducing a Child's Aggressive Behavior The child who frequently hits, slaps, and bites other children or destroys their toys is not going through a stage. He is exhibiting an aggressive behavior that is upsetting to parents and other children. Aggressive behavior includes intentionally breaking things; pushing, kicking, or hitting other children; and verbally abusing playmates with threats of violence, excessive name calling, and age-inappropriate swearing. The following suggestions will help you prevent or reduce aggressive behavior in your child. Keep your child away from people or playmates who act aggressive. Do not roughhouse with an aggressive child. To do so only serves to encourage aggressive behavior. Begin by helping an aggressive child to behave well in situations where he normally does not act aggressively. Later, you can work more directly on the aggressive behavior itself. Steer clear of all forms of physical punishment. Spanking and hitting can teach a child to spank and hit others. Refrain from all forms of verbal abuse. Make sure that each day you give your child at least 50 brief physical touches. A child's aggressive behavior is much easier to prevent than it is to eliminate. The less aggressive behavior a child is exposed to, the less likely he is to act aggressively toward others. back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Research Shows Childhood Intervention Makes a Difference Over 50 years of research on children with many types of disabilities receiving a range of specialized services in many different settings has produced evidence that early intervention can: (1) ameliorate, and in some cases, prevent developmental problems; (2) result in fewer children being retained in later grades; (3) reduce educational costs to school programs; and (4) improve the quality of parent, child, and family relationships. Much of what we know about early intervention effectiveness is drawn from this diverse historical base of information. More recently, researchers have begun asking a more rigorous and differentiated question: For whom and under what conditions is early childhood intervention most effective? This more sophisticated question focuses on the effects of various interventions for specific groups of children relative to the type of program they received. Data from well-controlled research studies indicate that young children with disabilities (e.g., Down syndrome, autism, cerebral palsy, sensory impairments), and those who evidence biological (e.g., low birth weight, premature) and environmental risk factors make significant gains on both qualitative and quantitative measures of development when provided appropriate services. The involvement of their parents in reinforcing critical skills in natural contexts is an important factor associated with the magnitude of the child's progress (Guralnick, 1989). In addition to encouraging parent involvement it has been found that the most effective interventions are those that also: 1. occur early in the child's life, 2. operate from a more structured and systematic instructional base, 3. prescriptively address each child's assessed needs, and 4. include normally developing children as models. Programs with these characteristics produce the most reliable, significant, and stable results in child and family functioning (DeStefano, Howe, Horn, & Smith, 1991; Hanson & Lynch, 1989; McDonnell & Hardman, 1988). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Special Needs by Evelyn Petersen Question: Dear Evelyn, Our six year old has several learning disabilities, and she is in special education classes. We are worried about what will happen down the road when she is 18 or 20. What can we do now, in the school years, to give her the life skills she will need in the future? Thank you. Answer: Do all the things other good parents do to prepare their children for life. What special needs children want most is to be treated like other children. Love her and accept her as she is. Nurture her personal skills and competence. Be her constant advocate, but don`t overprotect her. Teach her to make friends. Teach her to express her thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. Be a good listener and teach her this skill. Be proud of her, both at home and in public. Help her feel strong, capable, lovable and proud. Don't make excuses for her; expect appropriate behavior. All children have special needs and special gifts. Our job is to help each of them make the most of what they have and be all that they can be. To do this we must teach them positive attitudes and nurture self esteem that is based on feeling both lovable (for what I am) and capable (for what I can do). Most parents of special needs children find that letting them take the normal risks that other kids take is very hard. Overprotecting them makes them feel different and dependent; it does them no favors; it does not make them feel capable or competent. Your support is important, but ALL children need to learn that sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes we fail at a task, and sometimes friends are untrue or unkind. We learn to cope with life`s adversities by experiencing them, getting through them, and gaining inner strength in the process. Likewise, avoid making excuses or exceptions for your child's behavior. Use the same firm but loving guidelines and clear expectations that you would for any child, and follow through consistently. Teach her, just like any other child, to accept responsibility for her actions. ALWAYS give descriptive praise for good behaviors and thoughtful choices. Special needs children do best when they have consistent family routines, orderly and organized personal space, and the opportunity for active play and creative endeavors. Insist on the least restrictive environment for your child; attend regular meetings to plan long and short range education and life skill goals; keep complete copies of her records and files. back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Special Needs Children Need Parents With Special Skills Thousands of children each year are diagnosed with various disabilities. These numbers continue to grow as the rise in multiple birth increases. Parents who have children with special needs know that education begins at home. Often these complications make learning a difficult task. These special kids need parents who have the skills to advocate for them. It is very true when educating children with disabilities or special needs that education begins at home. Here are some learning tools and tips for parents of children with special needs before the start first grade. If you notice any major developmental delays consult your medical doctor and have him refer you to a specialist in whatever area your child needs help. Make sure your child is properly diagnosed. Most often a specialist will need to assess your child several times, in various locations and with different people. Be informed of the various types of disabilities and the qualification of the specialist who is doing the testing. Here is a brief summary of disorders. 1. Mental retardation: slower development 2. Speech and Language: expression and comprehension impairments 3. Physical Disabilities: visual, motor problems or other conditions 4. Emotional Disabilities: behavior and social difficulties 5. Learning Disabilities: sense and message distortions Don't wait too long. Some parents think their children will grow out of these debilitating conditions and put off diagnosis and treatment. This could be a fatal educational mistake for your child. For children 2 & under you may want to wait until they are in preschool. Attend parenting classes the help you establish a basic timetable to monitor your children's developmental achievements and needs. Help your child learn long before school becomes a battleground. Learning sign language at an early age may help some children improve their speech and learning disabilities over time. Be sure to take time to play and read with your children each day even if it's just for a few minutes. Recognize and monitor the signals that tell you something is wrong. Parents should basic understanding of age-appropriate developmental milestones (Mental, Verbal, Social/Emotional and Physical) Share all the information with the professionals who are working with your child. Clear and specific records could increase the accuracy of your child's diagnosis. Don't waist time blame yourself or others. Your child needs your undivided attention. Focus on solutions and not just the problems. Know the laws that protect your child's educational rights. Contact state agencies such as the school board, state government, support agencies. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Golden Rules Of Toddler Discipline What you do now will have a profound influence on whether your child turns out to be a delight or a terror By Paula Spencer When 2-year-old Kendall Isaak sees a toy she wants at the store, her mom suggests they put it on her birthday wish list. "When we get home, we write it down together," says Kristy Isaak, of Manhattan Beach, CA. "Kendall doesn’t have a fit because she knows I take the time to listen to her when she wants something." At the same time, Isaak avoids caving in and creating a greed-monster. The way you respond to your toddler’s behavior shapes her future actions. Now the rub: How do you teach good behavior to a not-yet-rational, nonverbal child, whose understanding of the finer concepts — such as manners, sharing, and empathy, not to mention personal safety — is primitive to nonexistent? Start with a lot of patience and practice, and follow some simple rules of discipline, and before you know it, your tyrannical toddler will be a pleasant preschooler. From the Parenting Guide to Your Toddler by Paula Spencer, with the editors of Parenting magazine, published by Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc. RULE 1: ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE It’s easy to fall into the habit of simply reacting to your child’s misbehavior, forever intervening and correcting when something goes amiss. But you’ll have better success if you actively reinforce good behavior — since your child prizes your approval above all else. Give him hugs when he’s behaving. Praise him by saying things like, "I appreciate how you put your puzzle back on the shelf when you were done." RULE 2: PREVENT PROBLEMS Removing sharp objects, breakables, and enticing plants from your child’s environment wards off potential mishaps. Also avoid situations that will cause trouble: trying to run one more errand when it’s already past naptime, wheeling a hungry tyke past the candy-filled checkout counter. Another way to minimize the odds of a tussle: Offer helpful reminders before things go awry. Before every bath, for example, you might gently remind her, "The rule is, if you splash water outside of the tub, you have to come out." RULE 3: SET LIMITS All kids need clear, consistent limits to define the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. In fact, they crave them to feel secure in their world. At first, defining and enforcing limits may not seem necessary. What harm is it, you might ask yourself, if your 12-month-old pulls your books off the shelf or your 18-month-old neglects to say "please"? The answer: If you don’t approve of a behavior now — even if your child looks comically cute as he’s defying you — you won’t like it after a few dozen times, either. He’s trying to figure out what’s okay and what’s not. It’s your job to tell him. It’s easy to excuse toddler transgressions by saying, "Oh, he’s just a little guy" or "She won’t understand if I say no." But toddlers are smarter than you may think they are. With your help and patience, they’re capable of learning the difference between right and wrong. RULE 4: BE FIRM Doug Dunn, a father in Valley Forge, PA, says, "I’m good at saying no, but with my daughter, Taylor, who’s 2, I always want to say yes. I’m tempted to spoil her, but I’ve learned that when you give in once, on, say, buying a balloon at the store, she’ll want one every time." Certainly, indulgence has its place in parenthood. But over time, a lack of firmness tends to backfire. If you don’t enforce limits, you deprive your child of understanding how you expect her to behave. Rather than making her feel liberated, the opposite occurs. She feels frightened and confused. If you’re too lenient, your child is also apt to take advantage of you. She’ll soon discover which buttons to push to get the response that she desires. And you can be sure she’ll push them again and again. Better to make it clear that you’re in charge — not your child. RULE 5: KEEP YOUR EXPECTATIONS ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR REALISTIC Otherwise, you set yourself up for failure. One-year-olds can barely sit still for 15 minutes, let alone for an hour at the table while the family eats. "We let Tiffany, who’s 16 months old, wander around before a meal at a restaurant," says Ziette Hayes, of Spring Valley, NY. Do increase your expectations as your child grows. For example, while a 12-month-old shouldn’t be required to use "please" and "thank you," an 18-month-old with a 50-word vocabulary is capable of learning to say them. RULE 6: AIM FOR CONSISTENCY Once you make a rule, enforce it. Inconsistencies confuse a learning child. If it was all right to dump sand out of the sandbox last week, why are you so mad about it now? Try to follow through on your rules in a predictable fashion. If you say that it will be time to leave the playground after your child goes down the slide two more times, then do so. Don’t wait for him to make three more trips, or ten; the next time you’re ready to leave after "two more times," you probably won’t be taken seriously. Of course, it’s impossible to be 100 percent consistent in all things, all the time. There’s room for exceptions. You might let your child bounce on the sofa — something ordinarily verboten — when he’s trapped inside on a rainy day, or allow her to eat her snack in the living room instead of the kitchen during a playdate with her pals. Explain why a deviation from the norm is special and just for that day. RULE 7: STAY COOL Your disciplinary message will have a much greater impact if you deliver it in a calm, rational manner. Yes, this is easier said than done. It can be a challenge to curb your temper when your 1-year-old has just written with permanent marker on the kitchen wall, or your 2-year-old has unspooled an entire roll of toilet paper. Raising one’s voice is a natural reaction, but yelling both degrades a child and makes you a poor role model. Plus, if you shout a lot, a toddler may tune you out or think it’s funny and do mischievous things just to get a rise out of you. On the other hand, a too-timid response can be as ineffective as shouting. Sounding too mild or uncertain may dilute your message. Avoid couching commands as questions: "Stop jumping on the bed, okay, honey?" or "Do you want to go to sleep now?" RULE 8: BE BRIEF The best way to get your message across to a toddler is to use as few words as possible. There’s no need, for instance, to stray into a medical explanation of why sticking dried beans up one’s nose is a bad idea. A young child benefits most from short, to-the-point messages: "Hot." "Walk, don’t run." " We don’t do that." "Biting hurts." RULE 9: SET A GOOD EXAMPLE You’ve most likely heard about the mother who slaps her child’s hand as she scolds, "No hitting!" And grabbing is another negative behavior parents unwittingly demonstrate to young kids. If your child is clutching something you don’t want her to have, try not to just snatch it away from her. It’s better to calmly ask her to give you the object in a no-nonsense tone while holding out your hand for it. RULE 10: MONITOR MOODS When it comes to discipline, "One size fits all" definitely doesn’t apply to small children: Some easygoing toddlers respond well to low-key reminders and a warning. Other kids may need more stringent limits; if you give in once, they’ll take advantage of it later. As you discipline your little one, remember that you’re not just helping him learn how to behave: You’re also teaching him what to expect from his world, and what it expects from him in return. WHY TODDLERS MISBEHAVE Before you react when your child acts up, consider his point of view. Common causes of naughtiness at this stage include: PHYSICAL DISCOMFORT Take a toddler on a long morning of errands past his naptime, and the tantrum in aisle 7 of Wal-Mart isn’t about a toy he spotted; it’s his way of saying, "Enough, Mom! I’m tired." CURIOSITY Toddlers learn about the world through hands-on exploration. A child who pulls the cat’s tail may simply be intent on finding out what will happen, not trying to be cruel. A toddler lacks the self-control to curb this kind of discovery-by-doing. TESTING Even the best-behaved children go through a contrary phase starting at around 14 to 22 months, which can last for at least six months. This is when a child grows increasingly aware of his personal power. Intoxicated by this finding, he seems to be asking himself, "Just what am I capable of, and how much can I get away with?" FRUSTRATION Toddlerhood is fraught with limitations, both physical (the inability to stack blocks perfectly) and imposed (having to hold your hand when crossing the street). What’s more, a toddler lacks the verbal skills to make her wishes known or to orally let off steam. As a result, frustration mounts quickly; it’s often vented as aggression, anger, and other forms of antisocial behavior. IF YOUR DISCIPLINE METHOD FAILS ... try another. Here are 4 sure strategies: 1. SELECTIVE IGNORING Not all of a toddler’s undesirable behaviors merit the same degree of response. Save your energy for the truly destructive actions, as well as those that can set dangerous precedents, such as hitting, biting, or standing up in a shopping cart. One rule of thumb: If you’re in doubt about whether a behavior is safe, take action. Better to err on the side of caution than leniency. 2. REDIRECTION Distraction can work wonders with a toddler, preventing mishaps or pulling her back from the brink of trouble. Any fresh sight or sound helps a young child shift gears. Try an object she’s never seen before, whether it’s a new toy or a metal pie pan from the kitchen. 3. VERBAL DISCIPLINE A 1- or 2-year-old may not yet speak eloquently, but he can certainly understand most of what you say. Often, using the right words is sufficient to prevent a problem. Offer positive reinforcement ("I like how you’re sitting the right way in your chair"), reminders ("Drink your juice at the table," as you hand him the cup), or reprimands ("Connor, stop shoving. Shoving hurts"). 4. TIME-OUT Remove your child from the situation and place her in a brief period of forced boredom. Time-outs provide a break in the action, usually enough for her to understand why she ought to stop. back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Shy Child by Marion C. Hyson and Karen Van Trieste Shyness is a common but little understood emotion. Everyone has felt ambivalent or self-conscious in new social situations. However, at times shyness may interfere with optimal social development and restrict children's learning. This digest (1) describes types and manifestations of shyness, (2) reviews research on genetic, temperamental, and environmental influences on shyness, (3) distinguishes between normal and problematic shyness, and (4) suggests ways to help the shy child. What Is Shyness? The basic feeling of shyness is universal, and may have evolved as an adaptive mechanism used to help individuals cope with novel social stimuli. Shyness is felt as a mix of emotions, including fear and interest, tension and pleasantness. Increase in heart rate and blood pressure may occur. An observer recognizes shyness by an averted, downward gaze and physical and verbal reticence. The shy person's speech is often soft, tremulous, or hesitant. Younger children may suck their thumbs: some act coy, alternately smiling and pulling away (Izard and Hyson, 1986). Shyness is distinguishable from two related behavior patterns; wariness and social disengagement. Infant wariness of strangers lacks the ambivalent approach/avoidance quality that characterizes shyness. Some older children may prefer solitary play and appear to have low needs for social interaction, but experience none of the tension of the genuinely shy child. Children may be vulnerable to shyness at particular developmental points. Fearful shyness in response to new adults emerges in infancy. Cognitive advances in self-awareness bring greater social sensitivity in the second year. Self-conscious shyness-the possibility of embarrassment-appears at 4 or 5. Early adolescence ushers in a peak of self-consciousness (Buss, 1986). What Situations Make Children Feel Shy? New social encounters are the most frequent causes of shyness, especially if the shy person feels herself to be the focus of attention. An "epidemic of shyness" (Zimbardo and Radl, 1981) has been attributed to the rapidly changing social environment and competitive pressures of school and work with which 1980s children and adults must cope. Adults who constantly call attention to what others think of the child, or who allow the child little autonomy, may encourage feelings of shyness. Why Are Some Children More Shy than Others? Some children are dispositionally shy: they are more likely than other children to react to new social situations with shy behavior. Even these children, however, may show shyness only in certain kinds of social encounters. Researchers have implicated both nurture and nature in these individual differences. Some aspects of shyness are learned. Children's cultural background and family environment offer models of social behavior. Chinese children in day care have been found to be more socially reticent than Caucasians, and Swedish children report more social discomfort than Americans. Some parents, by labeling their children as shy, appear to encourage a self- fulfilling prophecy, Adults may cajole coyly shy children into social interaction, thus reinforcing shy behavior (Zimbardo and Radl, 1981). There is growing evidence of a hereditary or temperamental basis for some variations of dispositional shyness. In fact, heredity may play a larger part in shyness than in any other personality trait (Daniels and Plomin, 1985). Adoption studies can predict shyness in adopted children from the biological mother's sociability. Extremely inhibited children show physiological differences from uninhibited children, including higher and more stable heart rates. From ages 2 to 5, the most inhibited children continue to show reticent behavior with new peers and adults (Reznick and others, 1986). Patterns of social passivity or inhibition are remarkably consistent in longitudinal studies of personality development. Despite this evidence, most researchers emphasize that genetic influences probably account for only a small proportion of self-labeled shyness. Even hereditary predispositions can be modified. Adopted children do acquire some of the adoptive parents' social styles (Daniels and Plomin, 1985), and extremely inhibited toddlers sometimes become more socially comfortable through their parents' efforts (Reznick and others, 1986). When Is Shyness a Problem? Shyness can be a normal, adaptive response to potentially overwhelming social experience. By being somewhat shy, children can withdraw temporarily and gain a sense of control. Generally, as children gain experience with unfamiliar people, shyness wanes. In the absence of other difficulties, shy children have not been found to be significantly at-risk for psychiatric or behavior problems (Honig, 1987). In contrast, children who exhibit extreme shyness which is neither context-specific nor transient may be at some risk. Such children may lack social skills or have poor self-images (Sarafinio, 1986). Shy children have been found to be less competent at initiating play with peers. School-age children who rate themselves as shy tend to like themselves less and consider themselves less friendly and more passive than their non-shy peers (Zimbardo and Radl, 1981). Such factors negatively affect others' perceptions. Zimbardo reports that shy people are often judged by peers to be less friendly and likeable than non-shy people. For all these reasons, shy children may be neglected by peers, and have few chances to develop social skills. Children who continue to be excessively shy into adolescence and adulthood describe themselves as being more lonely, and having fewer close friends and relationships with members of the opposite sex, than their peers. Strategies for Helping a Shy Child 1. Know and Accept the Whole Child. Being sensitive to the child's interests and feelings will allow you to build a relationship with the child and show that you respect the child. This can make the child more confident and less inhibited. 2. Build Self-Esteem. Shy children may have negative self-images and feel that they will not be accepted. Reinforce shy children for demonstrating skills and encourage their autonomy. Praise them often. "Children who feel good about themselves are not likely to be shy" (Sarafino, 1986, p. 191). 3. Develop Social Skills. Reinforce shy children for social behavior, even if it is only parallel play. Honig (1987) recommends teaching children "social skill words" ("Can I play, too?") and role playing social entry techniques. Also, opportunities for play with young children in one-on-0one situations may allow shy children to become more assertive (Furman, Rahe, and Hartup, 1979). Play with new groups of peers permits shy children to make a fresh start and achieve a higher peer status. 4. Allow the Shy Child to Warm Up to New Situations. Pushing a child into a situation which he or she sees as threatening is not likely to help the child build social skill. Help the child feel secure and provide interesting materials to lure him or her into social interactions (Honig, 1987). 5. Remember That Shyness Is Not All Bad. Not every child needs to be the focus of attention. Some qualities of shyness, such as modesty and reserve, are viewed as positive (Jones, Cheek, and Briggs, 1986). As long as a child does not seem excessively uncomfortable or neglected around others, drastic interventions are not necessary. back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Successful Toilet Training These suggestions will help you find easy ways to help your child be successful at toilet training. The power of peers and siblings. One of the best ways to increase your child's interest in using the toilet is to enlist the encouragement and the example of others. Determine what surroundings work best for your child. Environment can have a big impact on a child's willingness to toilet train. Some children respond well around peers who are also learning to use the toilet. They don't want to be left out of the group activity that seems to be attracting so much attention. Other children need the one-on-one supervision of an adult. Your tone should always be encouraging and patient. Find a good role model. Family members, child-care providers, playmates and even cartoon characters can be used to encourage and praise your child's attempts. Older siblings are especially good guides, planting seeds of encouragement and talking about how this special event works. Often, toddlers are encouraged by their big brother or sister and may take greater care to emulate and please them. Discourage name-calling and teasing. Name-calling or teasing can make toilet training an even harder task than it is already. Be sure to correct any put-down statements right away; teach siblings or peers what to do instead and have them show you how they will act the next time. Every time you notice a sibling or peer encouraging your child's toilet training skill, praise and reward him or her. Make toilet training a positive family event. Often children see toilet training as that yucky thing their parents are making them do. To help them see it in a better light, use fun activities to introduce and encourage toilet training such as songs, games and books to help your child learn the toilet training rules. You might even want to try special underpants with superheroes or ruffles. Although it is not necessary to turn toilet training into a big event, you should make every effort to show your preschooler that toilet training can be a positive experience. Toilet Training: Developmental Guidelines Is it time for your child to learn about the toilet? It depends on where you live, your child's developmental ability and the methods you use to teach him or her the routine. Setting reasonable expectations when it comes to toilet training is not an easy thing to do, unless you ask your grandmother. Grandma may have told you that she had all of her children toilet trained by their 16th month on the planet. While this might be true, you may want to ask yourself if her children were toilet trained, or if she was trained to recognize when they needed to go to the toilet? Also, different cultures view and address toilet training differently. So where Grandma lived at the time is important. We have come a long way in the past four decades in the United States when it comes to our attitudes about toilet training. Today's professionals suggest waiting until your child is physically, emotionally and mentally ready to control his or her own bowels. This usually occurs between ages 2 and 3. Most of us can understand why parents may want to start sooner, but it may cause more frustration than relief. When it comes to setting some reasonable expectations for toilet training, keep the following in mind: 1) Most children will learn to use the toilet with proficiency between 24 and 30 months, regardless of how soon their parents start trying to train them. 2) Girls often develop ahead of boys when it comes to toileting. 3) Studies show that it takes consistent teaching for at least four months for most children to be fully toilet trained. 4) It is important that parents provide plenty of teaching opportunities for children to learn about the toilet when the children demonstrate they are mature enough to handle the subject. This will be slightly different for every child. 5) Parents who use punishment to encourage their children to use the toilet are not successful because spankings cannot increase rectum and bladder signals. 6) Parents who provide emotionally and socially comforting environments usually have children fully trained in fewer months than parents who do not provide a pleasant surrounding for toilet training. back to top -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trustworthiness: How to Handle Lying Why do children lie? Children commonly lie to try to escape punishment-hence the saying, "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies." These are called self-protective lies. During the first 5 or 6 years of life, children go through a normal phase of trying to cover up by lying. They stop lying when they learn it doesn't convince anyone. How can I help my child stop lying? The Rule "Don't lie. Tell me the truth." Discipline technique If your child lies, respond as follows: Punish your child based on the available evidence. For example, if a dish is broken and your child has just been in the kitchen, you don't need Sherlock Holmes. Don't ask your child what happened when you already know what he did. Children aren't good at confessing. For misbehavior without any evidence (you think your child watched a TV show you told her not to, overlook it. Trying to investigate it will just bring you grief. When you confront your child about misbehavior and she denies she had anything to do with it, show your disapproval. Tell her, "I really feel bad when you lie to me, and I hope you'll tell me the truth next time." If she lies about her misbehavior, give her a double time-out (2 minutes per year of age instead of 1 minute per year). Make it clear that her time-out would not be as long if she had told the truth about her behavior. Don't try to catch your child in a lie or make her confess. These just lead to bigger and better lies. Praise Praise your child for telling the truth. Model Be truthful yourself, and lie as little as possible (including tactful lies). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Toddlers Bite What to do when your child nips By Alison Bell Stephanie Nerges will never forget when her 2-year-old son, Andy, bit another child on the arm during a squabble over a toy. "I was mortified," recalls Nerges, of Langhorne, PA. "I didn’t understand what would make him do such a thing." As vicious as biting may seem, toddlers don’t mean to use their teeth as weapons. "They simply don’t have the words to express themselves when they get frustrated, so they resort to a primitive form of communication," says John Duby, M.D., a developmental pediatrician at the Children’s Medical Center, in Dayton. Biters usually outgrow the impulse by the time they’re 3, when their verbal skills have improved enough to use language, not actions, to resolve conflicts. Until then, to nip the behavior in the bud: DON’T MAKE A FUSS Most children enjoy attracting the attention of the adult world — positive or negative — so a dramatic reaction from you will only encourage her to become a repeat offender. "Instead, calmly tell her something like, ’People are not for biting. Sandwiches and apples are for biting,’" recommends Jerold Aronson, M.D., a pediatrician at St. Christopher’s Hospital for Children, in Philadelphia. SEPARATE THE KIDS If your child bites another, put her in a two- to three-minute time-out to let her cool down and allow you to comfort the other child. (If the skin isn’t broken, you needn’t treat the bite; otherwise, wash the wound out with soap and water.) OFFER ALTERNATIVES Later on, tell your child that when she becomes upset, she should tell you so you can help her handle the problem in a better way, advises Dr. Aronson. For example, if your daughter is fighting with her brother over a book, you can step in and have them take turns sharing it. Or encourage her to express her anger in ways that won’t hurt anyone, such as punching a pillow. PUT WORDS IN HER MOUTH "Teach your child phrases to express her feelings, such as ’I don’t like that,’" says Dr. Duby. While many toddlers are too young to actually say those words, your efforts will at least introduce her to the idea of using language, which will pay off when she’s older. CONTROL HER ENVIRONMENT Kids tend to bite when they become overstimulated. You may notice, for example, that your child tends to nip when she’s with a group of kids (which can be overwhelming and tiring). Try limiting her playdates to just one or two friends at a time; until she’s convinced that biting isn’t acceptable,this may be the simplest way to keep chomping in check. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why Books Are Important by Peter Neumeyer, Ph.D. Books, and talking about the books, are terribly important for your child. In our world there is an enormous premium on being verbal. Quite literally, words are power, and it's kids who grow up in verbal families who become verbal themselves. I'd like to say it's good for the child if the family argues. I mean argues verbally, discusses issues and debates. That gives your child practice in using words, shaping sentences and organizing his thoughts. Books can foster discussion. At first, ask simple questions, get your child to talk. Ask "What happened next?", "Where is the mouse hiding?", "Why is Papa Bear angry?". Later, try to illicit discussion. "What do you think will make Eyore happy?" Books lend themselves to such discussion much more than the solitary pleasures of T.V. That's why the combination of a book and your participation is so important in making your child an active reader who's learning to use words and learning to think. back to top
© 2008 McCam Child Development Centre.  All Rights Reserved.  Site Designed by: dabrown